Are you afraid of the dark? Is that why we pretend to be ok when we’re not? The process of admitting the light we actually are requires deep exploration in the dark nights we would rather forget. Our voices uncovering with time as we learn to listen in the spaces absent of it.
Incomparable, irreplaceable, beautiful, you who makes every wrong a right. How could I ever repay you for holding me in these hours?
My guilt won’t let me rest. I don’t even deserve sleep. Food. Or anything that would nourish me at all. I have betrayed and I have become my own worst nightmare. I deserve to die because I have failed the ones I love the most.
Since the seed of awakening burst open in my heart, since I found out how Love will do anything to get the recognition she deserves even if it means destroying your life, I have fallen lost.
This studio is painted red, and the barn ceilings above my head feel like the healthy womb I never got to experience. But the thoughts that are coming through, about him, about her are so painful I can’t sit still. I have to dance and move the grief and guilt out.
I “know” about the trauma here but I do NOT know what to do with it. I even tried a therapist, a man who fell in love with me and wanted me to still pay him to be my surrogate boyfriend to do the healing work around this pattern of unconscious relating I’m experiencing. I have literal signs all the time from the universe helping me to wake up, and yet sometimes the only way is through these tear stained pillow cases. I can sense the gratest sense of worth and power in this somewhere, even as I ‘m curled omupnin a ball on the floor, or screaming to the doves and owls outside my studio window.
I feel the unconscious patterns of abuse are pulling me from here to there and everywhere I wanted, and didn’t want, to go. Naure will help me heal them. I will let her, I have no other choice.
Here floating in the Pacific, hoping I ‘ll come to when I ‘ve drifted just a little too far out. Hiking these hills, feeling the presence and the pain of those who’ve stepped foot on that land before me. I notice somedays I am fully receiving every shift in the wind, each ounce of light into my pores, my mind like the sky, and others I can’t stop thinking about everything I ‘ve done wrong to avoid the lain of the present moment.
I am standing on the edge of the sword of suffering and I can fall to the pain or hop to the pleasure. Which will be what I need right now? Which will bring me eventually back to wholeness? Which will keep me alive?
I’m integating now the parts long lost and denied. Im hearing the sound of Shakti call me back home.
Few of us will trust something we can’t directly feel. On the path of Bhakti yoga (Yoga of Love), we have this unique opportunity to taste and be lured in to a more real and trustworthy experience if life.
The greatest lover of my life did not come in a human form, for we know as sincere yogis that worldly comfort is nice but a total illusion.
As Mirabai shares in one of her poems ... "I have chosen the indestructible for my refuge. Him whom the snake of death will not devour. My Beloved dwells in my heart all day, I have actually seen that abode of joy."
It's fathers day here in the good ol' USA, and I want to send all the papas that I know so much Love, and appreciation to all the ways that the father lives in us good and bad. I'm grateful for the sun and how it's constant source of light gives us warmth and light and feel the power of the the father as the sun.
Thank god for the winds of wisdom for blowing us into ecstatic states of inspiration, empowerment and healing our separation. Without her gusts clearing our minds out and fanning the flames of our hearts we would be zombies. Without her loving caress we may never find the courage it takes to feel anything at all.