Are you afraid of the dark? Me too. Is that why we pretend to be ok when we’re not? The process of admitting the light we actually are requires deep exploration in the dark nights we would rather forget. Our voices uncovering with time as we learn to listen in the spaces absent of it.
Incomparable, irreplaceable, beautiful, you who makes every wrong a right. How could I ever repay you for holding me in these hours?
My guilt won’t let me rest. I don’t even deserve sleep. Food. Or anything that would nourish me at all. I have betrayed and I have become my own worst nightmare. I deserve to die because I have failed the ones I love the most.
Since the seed of awakening burst open in my heart, since I found out how Love will do anything to get the recognition she deserves even if it means destroying your life, I have fallen lost.
The inside of my studio is painted red, and the barn ceilings above feel like the healthy womb I never got to experience. But the thoughts that are coming through, about him, about her are so painful I can’t sit still. I have to dance and move the grief and guilt out. I have to sing and scream all that I don’t yet understand.
I “know” about the trauma here but I do NOT know what to do with it. I even tried a therapist, a man who fell in love with me and wanted me to still pay him to be my surrogate boyfriend to do the healing work around this pattern of unconscious relating I’m experiencing. I have literal signs all the time from the universe helping me to wake up, and yet sometimes the only way is through these tear stained pillow cases. I can sense the gratest sense of worth and power in this somewhere, even as I ‘m curled omupnin a ball on the floor, or screaming to the doves and owls outside my studio window.
I feel the unconscious patterns of abuse are pulling me from here to there and everywhere I wanted, and didn’t want, to go. Naure will help me heal them. I will let her, I have no other choice.
Here floating in the Pacific, hoping I ‘ll come to when I ‘ve drifted just a little too far out. Hiking these hills, feeling the presence and the pain of those who’ve stepped foot on that land before me. I notice somedays I am fully receiving every shift in the wind, each ounce of light into my pores, my mind like the sky, and others I can’t stop thinking about everything I ‘ve done wrong to avoid the lain of the present moment.
I am standing on the edge of the sword of suffering and I can fall to the pain or hop to the pleasure. Which will be what I need right now? Which will bring me eventually back to wholeness? Which will keep me alive?
I’m integating now the parts long lost and denied. Im hearing the sound of Shakti call me back home.
As hard as it can be at times, the world is hungry and in need of people who feel and grow. If you get quiet (honest) enough you’ll hear that crisp and luring sound of Shakti inside the squeezing sharp ess of suffering, within the pressure Spirit puts on us to grow and evolve. We lean towards pain to grow and to know when it’s time to move on.
In my years of spiritual training I learned how to absorb the energy of Grace. How to open my vessel to be a conduit for this unconditional Love. How to listen to the song that is in the wind and to the sound of that creative wild feminine force of transformation and Love that in Sanskrit is called Shakti.
Hearing and following the sound of Shakti also took me down some beautiful places and also up against windy and bumpy roads where I found myself alone, in silence and with the fear of telling anyone what I was experiencing.
It’s amazing how we can never see in the moments of grief, despair, suicidal thoughts, guilt and shame the very suffering we are in is how we are also here to help, when the time is right. Which is isn’t always. There’s a time for healing too. There have been experiences I have gone through that I recognized as things I had been conditioned to do since I was a fetus in the womb.
Some great and many not so great. Sometimes we can say things like ... “oh I ‘d never do that..”, but I’m not sure any one can honestly say that u less they have been there and knew at the time what the right thing was to do. Awareness unfolds naturally and at her own pace that we have no control over but we can actively choose to participate in the unfoldment of.
When we heal from our conditioning we have to explore and look at and even re-experience the things we have gone through in the past. There is no easy fix or pill to pop to really get the healing we need to be free. (Although medication can be an integral part of the process depending on what you’re going through.) Over the past few years of therapy and lots of continued support with mentors and writing our experiences, on top of many years of a devoted spiritual practice and training, I have learned that you do have to feel it to heal it. As hard as it can be at times, the world is hungry and in need of people who feel and grow.
When I find myself standing on the sharpe edge of suffering I try now to let it cut me. Meaning, I try to move towards the pain (with support so not to get stuck in becoming it), and let it show me who I really am underneath what I think or what I ‘ve experienced.
This whole embodiment work is about being IN the body but remembering the body is not all there is. This is the feminine way, the all inclusive, inter-related path of spirituality. It is not seperate from our humanness.
You will be given glorious gifts and powerful seeds planted in your heart. And to be solid and authentic enough to be share them you will be asked to confront your biggest fears, and if you’re like me you will make mistakes that will force you into deep placing of remorse, redemption and eventually, when the time is right, a big time surrender and let go in a security within no can see but they can sense, ans more important you have for life.
The sharp edge of suffering will cut you not to hurt you but with a purpose. We don’t always know what it is, some of it inexplainable. She is not here to harm but show you how to be both a living Spirit and an soul in a human body that has a greater purpose. The sound of Shakti will be the Grace that holds you through it, that carries you across the ocean of difficulty. But you will be the one to stand up with the sword in hand, and perhaps be the first one in your lineage to put an end to the flavor of suffering that has lived in your cells and those who came before you for thousands of years.