You're not bad, you're a badass!

"May all that is unloved in you blossom into a future graced with love." ~John O'Donohue

Sometimes the light, the love, the loss is just too much to bear for one human mind and body. This is in part why we heartbreakingly see yoga and meditation teachers ending their lives. (That is a whole other topic I am not addressing in this post but I will write more on that later.) It's said that when we bear the unbearable (and make it out alive) we learn true compassion.

When we sit inside the fire and live through the burn that we actually become compassion itself. When that pain is emotional and related to not just what we're going through in the moment but something we experienced in the past, it can feel like we're drowning. (And then totally fine 5 minutes later.) 

When there is no one left to blame or rage at there is nothing left to do but feel it and own that it's never really about them. That ultimately it's not even about what it's about.  We realize that it's up to us to pick up the pieces and step forward, into more love, into something that will help us. We are learning self acceptance and the type of forgiveness Jesus and Mary were all about. 

I have felt this wild compassion in my body and heart. I've watched myself as I didn't think I could be of service to anyone cry with other women and be with them deeply in hard moments, while we both starved for the Grace I knew deep down existed because I've experienced her arrow plunge into my heart. (My heart has been breaking and blossoming ever since.)

To be with one another, not as someone who even knew more, just with the awareness that because we were humans connecting from the heart that we belonged. Choosing to stay in our bodies and on this earth as humans. And as a powerful divine energy that desired to experience itself.

That together we were safe after so many years of having doors closed on our tears. In a moment of what my wise friend Heidi Robbins calls ... uncommonly low. A place so many of us are afraid to meet one another in when the truth is that this is one of the best places for us to connect.  Or at least the most satisfying to the soul, nourishing for the heart and transformative for our lives. 

I've wailed with the trees alone, vulnerable pushed to the edge of surrender. The positive side is this uplifted experience of wisdom and self trust that comes from being brave enough to make hard decisions and live through the pain of them. 

But if I'm honest something else I've gathered from these experiences is that I was bad. That I didn't and don't deserve love and happiness like everyone else, because I'm different and someone who goes to depths of the darkness and emerges with a deeper trust and faith. Or at least a stronger knowing of who I am, separate from what others think and say. 

 But still the old "you're bad" loves to show up for some of this sweet tea I'm sipping on. 

What grown ass woman walks around thinking she's "bad"? Well I do. And I sit with women in a circle of fire, inside tear-filled eyes who think they are, even if it's buried underneath generations of blame, shame, and self-abuse.

So I'm curious. Where did we pick this "being bad" up from? 

When did we decide that we don't deserve love and happiness because we have made mistakes? Who taught us that identifying with our mistakes is more valid than identifying with the good that we do?

Marianne Williamson speaks about how there is no way God is some condemning, almighty being who will punish us with every chance he gets. She shares how, as humans, when we make mistakes, we punish ourselves and cause ourselves immense suffering as a way to deal with the pain. So why would God need to do this for us? Why would God need to be anything other than unconditionally loving to us in those moments? 

I've followed my heart, I've failed miserably, have been humbled and humiliated by death and debt, and have burned to the ground and risen from the ashes. And yet this subtle taste of bad in my mouth still remains. The hungry wolf inside that feeds only on toxic communication and a shoving away when I want to be closer must also be loved in this journey. Must also be expressed somehow and find a place to belong. 

Am I bad because my dad lived only by his rules and the conditioning of addiction? Am I bad because I've fallen in love so easily, and then don't feel anything at all? What is it that makes us good, anyway? And who decides what that means? There is a way that takes us into the authentic place where we connect our goodness so deeply that the layers of self hate and judgment start to melt off our heart.

The heart. That's it.

As humans we make mistakes, big and small, and through these experiences, we learn how to forgive. How to love the parts in us that don't know they're worthy of love, no matter what.

We are loving up the bad and unleashing the badass.

This process takes time, and lots of watching ourselves do the same painful thing over and over again—until we don't. Our badass-ness comes from a heart that is innately good. It is one of the main principles in yoga—you are good. Which doesn't mean you're supposed to act it all the time, or not make amends when they are due, or even believe it all the time. But goodness is our home base, This is the place inside where we turn in order to remember what is true. Where we sense what we are meant to be doing. That space past what we've been told, or what those around us are tugging at us to do.

This is your heart. And she is a badass determined to love and spread her brilliant light no matter what trials and tribulations come her way. This is what she was made for. She was made to break open, and stay open. 

As the late and great Leonard Cohen suggests...
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

In a world gone mad, you are not the bad that you see. You are the one that can forgive, that can reach out for help when you need it. You are the one who learns courage through terror and and bravery through practicing being bold.

Love is who you are. This doesn't exempt you from pain. Sometimes you will hurt others and sometimes they will hurt you. The ego is meant to be broken, let go, and embraced with a big hug. But the Spirit is not meant to be punished or beat down. The world often conflates these two actions, so we must step up and support our Spirit.  We must hold it and build it up.  Share the part of us that will never die.  

We are a tribe of holy lovers, loving up the "bad" and unleashing the badass.

Please join us this fall for the Power of Love training at Yogala Studios. We will support one another in this process, have a ton of fun and get you the practice you need to lead other with confidence and authenticity. Reach out with any questions and go to www.yogalastudios.com for more info and to sign up. Would be an honor to have your wisdom with us! 

I don't need a  man — I need a mountain

Ph || Julia Corbett

Ph || Julia Corbett

"The best news is, we die into Love." —Mirabai Starr

 

(abortion trigger warning💞)

I don't need a  man, I need a mountain. 

In the beginning, the energy of mama Earth upsurged my legs and into my womb and I began to weep like a lost child that had found her mother again. After all we are children of the Earth.

On this past mothers day I was full of loss and grief for all things feminine I've experienced up until now. An uprising old grief for a sister I had betrayed and lost, for all the women and children that have experienced loss, and for the baby I decided not to have 5 years ago. 

At the time of my pregnancy I visited her in meditations and her angels. The angels laughed as I cried about not knowing whether to have this baby at such an inconvenient time in my life with a man who didn't really want one. They laughed and I cried. They do that a lot. 

A few years later I took a seat in a bright pink goddess temple in India and had an arrow of awakened feminine energy shoot straight through my heart and blown my mind tiny into a million light filled pieces, leaving me extremely tender and full of loves power to heal. I saw a million angels in visions, I felt the energy of Ganesh erupt through my roots chakra and every desire I ever had for a baby or a man got swallowed up by her all consuming liberated love. I was free. (for a minute)

 I made a vow to share this Divine Feminine loving compassion with as many people as I could. I became infected with the light of the goddess and my body merged in the brightest ecstatic oneness as I sat on top of this golden mountain. The same light that blinded me, those same angels that visited just a few years before while I was in pain moments after having that peanut sized fetus sucked from my womb.

After I got shot with the arrow of love, I lost my god damn mind. That insanity moved me across the country to a place called Topanga, California. I moved there after one short visit when I felt the shakti in my womb tell me it was were I needed to be and bc it reminded me of rural India, even though I knew no one that lived there.

It was there for 9 months I suffered and let go of every once of belief I had in god, in the goddess, in anyone in my life and in myself. I fell into a deep and dark depression. I felt that insanity and the feelings of wanting to die that had been passed down through generations of addiction and dependence. I had visions of my grandmothers screaming, of being a mountain man in a past life, and of carrying people through the transition from death to the afterlife. 

It was there I sang and I danced and swam and connected to not only the feminine flow that was holding me but the power of a mountain, the steadiness of the masculine in me that began to emerge. I would let go so deeply into being held in the ocean in moments it was if I had I died. I would come back into my body terrified of how long I'd been out and if I had drifted all the way out to sea. The cycles of birth, life, death, rebirth is part of what being a yogini is all about. Facing into the terror and the disbeliefs and embracing every ounce of good we can find. Going into the depths and emerging triumphant.

This is the Sheros journey. 

As one of my teachers Mirabai Starr says ... it hurts to be present to the observations of the world we live in. More than worrying about other people or our own "bad energy", with each others support we can learn to embrace and hold it all. To remind each other that beauty and power is in our strength, our laughter, and the ways that we care for one another. That when things arise we can reach out for support, and use the journey of healing to keep growing, evolving and knowing our wholeness.

We can be the ones to create change even in the tiniest ways within, that we don't have to live according the way as society tells us. This is how we show up to create change in the ways that are important and unique to us.

No matter what we will all die (luckily into Love) and there is no meme that can help us in those moments, only love and support from warm bodies. The wisdom, the connection to the natural world that is so inherent and ready to hold us in any moment. This is what I am most interested in cultivating in myself and connecting to in others. Rising up in ourselves and together in grief, in rage and in ecstatic, wild love.

We can truly follow our hearts, even thought it's hard sometimes it's also super fun! To live with more consciousness for the Earth and the other, with more kindness, love and gratitude, to come together in prayer, ritual, song and dance. I wouldn't trade once once of pain I've been through for the connection to unconditional love and joy that had come as a result. I try not to live with regret, but if I could go back there are some things I would have done differently for sure.

The reward is living while we're still here and not dying inside some fantasy of the way we thought things should be. And yet this is the journey, right? Again and again we wake up into more Truth. Into listening to ourselves more deeply. Trying to wrap our bodies, hearts and minds around the great beautiful Mystery that is.

I don't need a man like I was raised to believe, but that I want one. To enjoy and share the fullness, the juiciness of life with. To take me into further healing and love that I can only reach in relationship. Enjoying the moments of solitude and the bodies yearning to be touched by another with love after so long of waiting.

After working so hard on not "needing" romantic love, it's nice to take a moment and also acknowledge the deeper need of relating. We all NEED love, that's why we do the things we do. How beautiful is that?! 

My body needed to feel what it was like to be sexy on my own. How to masturbate as a grown woman and enjoy my body and heart in solitude. But we all have different and unique journeys. We all have such beautiful unique paths to walk and that is where the medicine we get to share with one another is made. 

The Divine Feminine is a part of us all, and is powerfully loving. She is what we know deep down inside. She will help us live more fully if we ask for help and support, guidance along the way. If we become committed and devoted to becoming her, she will pour through our eyes and into the eyes and hearts of everyone we see and feel. She will liberate our bodies from harm and suffering, and she will help us to remember what we forget. 

I wonder if we have to know what it feels like to want to die in order to really live. I get so frustrated and sad that to many God is still imagined to be a man. I am grateful to explore more my relationship to the Goddess, to God in all forms in humans and the natural world alike. All are mirrors, every oozing opening of nectar and all the clenches of horror.  All One Love.

As conscious beings we open our hearts to the sacred She because it is her who has birthed God, who has birthed us, and it is her womb in which we will return.

Inside steadiness and completely wild my heart is held. I've lost myself, made sacrifices and pray to keep daring to know the greatness that lives within each of our divinely feminine and beautific hearts. I am a mountain man, I am a wild animal and I am a powerful woman.

Join us for a daylong exploration of the Divine Feminine in all beings in the desert Saturday May 20th! Email mindy@yogalastudios.com for details and to sign up — only two spots left!

Ten Years of Grief + Beauty

 

 

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it’s not pretty,
every day,
and if you can source your own life
from its presence.
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This is a love note for anyone who is grieving and still somehow walking and for all the little ones in us that just want to be loved. You are not alone. 

Today is my 35th birthday and a New Moon! Wow I feel very grateful to be alive, super tender, open and loved in this moment. I'm realizing lately that being loved and "getting what we want" also brings up fear, pain and grief.  I haven't felt much yet that hasn't brought these things up. I'm curious why they feel so unacceptable for most of us to face or see in another?  I've found it extremely helpful to continue to learn to be loved, seen and felt my myself and others in all states of being. Especially the shadows. Just like many of you, with my work I radically affirm our shadows and love the shit out of them. I have great friends and teachers in my life who help me do the same. No one ever tells you how helpful it can be to hide under the covers and cry.

No matter what if we're committed to a path we become more us, in every way.  I'm interested this year in exploring the uncontrollable YES and how we can use practicing seeing beauty from the souls eye to keep growing, healing and serving with ease, abundance and more love and kindness.

Ten years ago on this day I buried my father, who also happened to be a good friend of mine, Pete in a cemetary in New Jersey. There is a lot I could write about him and his death, how much I loved him and his struggles with addiction. The feeling I'm uncovering today that I want to share is one of recovering from traumatic experiences and discovering who we really are through the process. I'm learning that not every ending in life is that same as that was. For me any bit of letting go can (and has/does) triggers my abandonment. We are asked to face death all the time if we're awake. It's intense but there are also many versions of it that not all the same, and so much beauty and depth gained. 

As I take a deeper breath into my heart I feel a little tight knot next to a world of what could be a whole planet devoted to unconditional love and kindness. I don't quite understand how I came to feel so much after so many years of being numb. Maybe it was all those trips to India, maybe spending time with the grandfather of grief and love Ram Dass. In truth it doesn't matter but what does is that I can feel the way the birds are singing outside my window deep in my body and soul. I know that beauty is something so deeply innate in all of us. I know beauty is our birthright.

I've heard that peacocks eat thorns and the iridescent colors of her feather are born from such a meal. As much as I resist them, I know that the thorns we swallow in life make us brighter, clearer and more beautiful form the inside out. After all we're here to transform the darkness into the light. As Ram Dass says... "we are all just walking each other home."

When I listen to a room full of people singing together I know I am home. When I sit in silence focusing on the Love inside and following her guidance no matter how hard or impossible it may seem, I feel that we are truly Divine beings made of many things but at the core we are light. And some mornings I become filled from bones to skin with a grief so heavy the only thing to do is hide under the covers and cry. 

Most people don't mention this as a very effective method of processing human emotions, but in case you we're wondering, it is. I would suggest doing it on the phone with a good friend or a healer simply because it is always good for that part of us to know that we are not alone.  But wanting to hide inside hard emotions is the most natural and beautiful thing in the world if you ask me. 

After all beauty is our birthright.

To accept oneself, or our challenges in life isn't done in one swoop and we're done. It is a daily chore, like brushing our teeth with a little more softness, kindness. Confidence is a deep wisdom that comes from hating everything we are, where we've come from. It comes from being angry at others who have said things and done things that hurt us.

Acceptance comes from feeling the pain of our mistakes and still living. Letting go of resentments isn't something I learned in school growing up, but all these years of writing and burning, releasing myself from judgement again and again proves to be a life of the body and spirit.

Over the years of my studies, some of which are based in tantric traditions, I have had very unique experiences when it comes to my body. I have felt grief pain so deep that made me scream bloody murder in the shower and I have felt my whole body light up in expansive soul empowered bodygasms that woke me up to the ecstasy of all things in existence. 

After all , beauty is our birthright.

Deep disconnect with intention can lead to greater and more authentic connection. I have felt my heart touched by the presence of another's so deeply I cannot deny love is real for too long anymore. I believe this became available to me because of the deep feelings of unloved and disconnections that I have sat inside and in moments revisit.  

I had an orgasm the other day in my solar plexus for the first time. There used to be a tightness in my belly, in my solar plexus. Over the years of drawing my power back from external situations and recognizing the big sun that lives here, she began to soften in me. And a few days ago, we had a celebration.

After all, beauty is our birthright.

I didn't exactly understand beauty growing up in New Jersey. I wore colored contacts and tried to alter my appearance is any way I could. Not to say this is wrong or bad. In my experience I saw women in strip clubs and knew they were beautiful, but was confused how to find my own when I had been taught to see it in others. An in maybe not the highest vibe places on top of that. 

After all, beauty is our birthright.

When I see an elder woman, a grandmother I get so filled with excitement and curiosity. I am immediately drawn to get close to her wisdom and her courage and I just want to shout ... "Holy shit!!! How did you do it?! How did you make it? HOW did you stay here that long?! Please tell me everything you've seen and learned." Through my inner journey exploration, I have been trained to see the wisdom inside our bodies before I see what is happening on the skin. 

After all beauty is our birthright!

The rivers keep flowing, the moon pulls us and the oceans and the birds try to catch our attention with their really loud songs we still seem to miss. The sun never ceases to shop sharing her light and the mountains and trees stand tall as we crumble, stumble and fall. We have so much to learn from her, our great mother and from the ways she lives in our own hearts and bodies.

She has taught me that my power is soft, that my wild feminine nature is a force that can create and uplift and inspire. That can feel the darkness and be willing to surrender. That I am just a girl that wants to be loved when it comes down to it. That my power is freedom and creativity. That our power is beauty.

After all, beauty is our birthright.

 

Join me this Saturday in Uncovering the Voice Within Workshop at Maha Rose in Brookyln and Sunday in New Jersey at Powerflow Yoga. Kirtan in LA May 5th at Yogala Studios and May 13th at Roam. Let's do this life/love thang! <3

PH|| MELODEE SOLOMAN

PH|| MELODEE SOLOMAN

Dear Wild Grace

I have remembered my body’s innate sacredness, and in doing so I allow my soul to return to its rightful place beneath my skin. I lift a veil between me and the Divine every time I claim my body as sacred by daring to come home to it again and again.

— Meggan Watterson

Dear Wild Grace

You've taught me so much. Have I realized what it means to be free yet? Are we really not meant to be getting anywhere? Or is that just a trick you play to get us to fully embrace the enormous gift each precious breath is? Is your wildness in the wind? In the moment of orgasm AND all the mundane moments in between? You know that everything is still making love but I am caught in some old story about men or money. How do you do it Wild Grace? How did you get so free? Was it by writing endless love letters to yourself and everyone you know because thats what I'm doing.

... I know you care so I'll let you know how it goes. 

A love letter to my body

I love you. Thanks for helping me experience so much pleasure. I know we haven't perhaps always done the right or healthy thing, and maybe you've been taken advantage of, but perhaps it was only because of how precious and sacred you are and there is darkness in this world too. You hold so much power and many of us were not raised to honor this power.

I grew up hanging out with my dad in strip clubs in New Jersey and although some of the women there I'm sure we're empowered, it led me to think dancing on bars for very little money and a world surrounded by men who can only see with desire and not with deep conscious love was my path.

I didn't know until I began to taste you Wild Grace that my path would take many turns and transformations and not look like that at all. That what used to a wound would be the place where I come home to to find my humility and my gifts. To use my voice, to LOVE my body and honor it. To be this awake and to keep choosing how we live our lives our lives is a big deal.

For all of us (men and women) we've been fed that sex means one thing and love means another but in fact most of it, if not all, is completely false. And boring compared to what a healthy and loving honoring of the body and its ability to experience pleasure intimately can bring. It's time for us to reclaim the privacy of our parts that have gotten mistreated and ignored, shamed and locked away. By others and by the innocence of our own conditioning.

My loving body now that we are here with Wild Grace we are getting free. We might not ever fully arrive to some destination of confidence or expression but I'm having such a great time getting to know you, I'm hope it's a really long ride. 

I want to be just like my friends the stars because the don't seem too concerned with finding peace or happiness but instead they just fucking shine? What if we truly knew getting out of the way of the light that pours from our bodies the way it pours from the sky helped to restore our experience back to one of wholeness? 

There is a wisdom that each of us hold inside. This wisdom is not concerned with right or wrong, but it knows everything and is what is True. I call her Grace. Sometimes she's wild, sometimes fierce and sometimes so unbelievably loving.

There are moments of profound freedom and then I remember I have to call the accountant back and get a gold crown on one of my molars so my teeth stay healthy. Living a vast connected life is a trip. Wild Grace is at the dentist and the desert apparently.

This wisdom blows through us in the invisible form of Grace helping us to see and feel what steps we need to take to live in alignment with our Soul and it's deepest callings and desires.

To be fearless to be open. To love the one inside that didn't know any better. To stand up for yourself with even yes ... yourself. Each time I turn a corner, or a page or I do something that I never thought I would I am handed more.  I am asked to become more me more the woman I am constantly becoming.

Part of this for me is to completely feel who and how I was on my own. To love the one who listened to others instead of listening to herself because she could not yet feel the power on her own. Standing in the face of betrayal. Making mistake after mistake and still be willing to sit with myself with the intention of self love. Speaking the truth even through a shaken voice and broken heart. 

No one ever tells you that a broken heart is an open heart. Until someone really loving and comfortable int heir own skin comes along and does. That a broken heart helps you shine so bright with great friends around. People forget to tell you that the pain is the medicine. The doorway. The end of one thing is always the beginning of another.

Check out our Wild Grace Retreat coming up in Ojai May 12-14th! 

Ph | amazing Tanya Sakolsky

Wisdom of the Ouch

"There's no cure, except the retreat into love.

See the friend directly, or burn in longing for Him-

what does the whole world mater, apart from that?" ~Rumi

***

For many years (and still today for hours and half days) I spend time running from the pain I feel. Because my life is so full of love and support who am I to feel pain? Because if I feel pain that somehow disqualifies all the hard work I've done all these years. Because divorcing suffering was one of the best things I've done and pain reminds me of suffering so ... I've got a bad case of spiritual bypass folks.

Lately I started wondering again... what is pain anyway? How does it do that thing that it does- connect us from this world to the next? When we are physically hurt or birthing a child it's obvious what pain is. This primal call that makes us human and carries us over thresholds. In moments of deep truth when I had no choice but surrender fully to a moment of pain I've seen beautiful things.  I've seen the light and those honest to God  angels I always talk about. I think I began on a spiritual path to stay away from the pain that was buried inside only to find out that becoming "embodied" hurts. That getting real and free and courageous comes from being with what is. 

Becoming embodied asks that we look at our own hearts and ask the questions that we usually blame others for. We don't come to her for answers as much as a way, a place to be. To explore and discover new ways, old wisdom. A place inside to trust and build a relationship with. Like any relationship and just like the moon with the heart there will be many phases.

On my journey into the fire of the heart I spent many healing sessions completely engulfed in pain. There were times as my heart opened that my hands became temporarily paralyzed. Unable to open regardless how badly I wanted them to. Other times my body would need to move or flail or tense up and then release. I would need to masturabate after them sometimes to release some of the energy I felt moving through me. I had stayed small for so long that my body for years needed a special time and place to safely open. It was almost like my heart was speaking through the movements my body was making. 

Some say that pain is weakness leaving the body. That feels true to me except I don't know if I would call it weakness. Coping mechanisms, ways my ancestors learned to deal with immense pain and traumas maybe.

I "know" our ability to experience pain is directly linked to the phenomenon of joy. So much so I've let myself scream loudly in the shower tapping into the feelings of loss this heart has endured. Yet still in moments the frustration or anger covers up this very useful human feeling ... pain. 

I still run from pain when it comes because for a long time I was lost inside it as my only reality. Letting it drive while I changed the radio stations, feet out the window cigarette in hand. We got pretty far on that ride, pain and I. We had some great times together to be honest. As long as pain was driving I didn't have to feel her. She was separate from me and for a long time that served. We had a wild time, pain and I. Until one day we stopped for gas and pain went to go grab a Red Bull and never came back. Not at least the way she had been there driving all along.

I waited and waited, flirting with the truckers and whomever pulled up to get gas. Between distractions I wanted pain to come back and take the wheel so badly.  I felt fine and even kinda happy but I had no idea how to drive. We made our way to some beautiful places and even with some great people. I always made them drive.

  it this day no one came to drive, not even ol' trusty pain. So I got out of the car, went around and hugged everyone I saw at the gas station for blessings and sat down in that seat pain had been occupying all along. At first I felt terror and was paralyzed and I could barely press my foot down. All I could think was .. "I don't know, I don't know... I can't."

When I began to drive I did it the only way I knew how, from 0-100. I mustered up the guys put my liberation bikini and baseball hat on and went as fast as I could until I crashed and burned that car and everything in it.

I was now in the drivers seat with no car and pain it ends up didn't go away, she got louder in my heart. She began to push everything close to us far away so I could focus on her and what she needed. So I could stop and feel the warmth and love of the fire we were inside. She kept me up long nights in tears as she purified all the ways I was done living. The ways of being I had carried since I was in the womb and perhaps before.

I had been sober about 4 years but was in detox. A pain detox. A co-dependent relationship detox. An I'm not good enough, let me carry all of your baggage so I don't have to feel my own detox. Naturally being birthed again at the age of 34 was not all wildflowers, squats and avocado toast. Although they helped a ton.

Very slowly over time a good Godddess I want to live cry began to emerge. Emerge from pain. A voice that sounded different than the one I'd always had. I knew the thoughts that were telling me otherwise we're not mine and I had to do the only thing I could. I had to learn how to care about me the way I cared about others.

Some waves crash down so hard so we can wash up on the shore with a truly new perspective. Sowmwaves we wouldn't willingly choose to swim in. But those waves are the ones we learn how held by grace we always are.

I wanted to share this because as much as I don't allow my pain to drive this babemobile anymore (for too long anyway), I want to invite her in with grace. I want to allow her to come in and connect me to being alive when she needs to. I want her to keep me humble.

In moments I feel how she softens and guides me into the compassionate nature of the heart. I want to not feel like such an alien for feeling so much all the time. I want to learn to love and accept this part of myself,  not only for the ways it helps others but also for the ways it helps me.

I ran for a long time and then I stopped. Every time I let in the grief and made a commitment to staying awake no mater how hard the emotion I was met with pain yes but also with profound presence, support, love and honest to god angels.

The honest to god angels that can giggle with my tears. The angels that know the wisdom in the ouch.

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the guru's assasin

 "How bout unabashedly balling your eyes out? How bout not equating death with stopping? Thank you India. Thank you terror. Thank you frailty. Thank you consequence. Thank you disillusionment!" ~Alanis Morissette

Ok let's start over. I mean we haven't even begun yet but let's start over anyway. It's more fun that way, keeps things exciting.

When you wake up one day and decide to build a life that is alignment with your soul, you just may find things inside and start to, well burn.  Or you feel terror instead of little old fear. So learning how to start over can be really helpful. In my case towers came crashing down, their ashes drifted into rivers where women bathed in colorful clothes and touched each others feet out of reverence for the Divine Feminine in all. They sang and howled like wild animals with their devotion to God. That's where I started over.

On a conscious life path if we get to choose our life (once things crash and burn or gently float away depending on your karma I suppose) why not build on top of moist, fertile ground. Roses, high vibe art, forests and sheepskin rugs. Why not build it on words like liberation, bliss, joy, honesty, courage and compassion. Devotion and longing. Sanskrit words like Hridayam which means "the cave of the heart."

Why not build it somewhere that will benefit the good of all. Somewhere where you can rest inside and find kindness in your mind.  

In any case if you attempt to build your life the gifts from Grace will flood into whatever sized container you choose to create. Don't stress, you'll most likely have another shot. That being said Go Big. Grace is always awaiting our heart's work. But Grace don't care how you look while you build it.

Grace don't care if your intentions are set perfectly or with the right crystal. She likes when you get your hands dirty and sometimes your hair a little knotty. The way it does naturally after any good love making session. Grace is always ready to come. 

When you open your inner eye and lay down at her feet you just might feel the warmth on your back that you've been searching for. The confirmation the it is ok to let go. Again. That is is ok to build with her, again.

The sun magically crosses through the sky without ever having to move. In our minds we think she's going somewhere but inside the heart of this hard earned light you finally begin to rest inside the trust that there is something to lean on.

The old structures will pop up and we may choose to burn them down or just let them be loved so fully they won't stand a chance. Holding authenticity and Grace you will not back down. You will stand up again, even if it's tomorrow. You will at some point effortlessly enjoy the flight. 

You are not afraid to burn for what you believe in. You are not afraid to jump because you've already crashed and died. And now you may not always remember, but you can fly. 

They say the guru comes (even gets paid) to assassinate your ego. The rid you of incorrect beliefs, the old unhelpful structures. It's painful, it's rewarding, it's everything you could never imagine. Then one fine day you choose to stand up inside your own heart so fully, knowing parts of you will die again anyway, and you fearlessly fire back. You fire with every once of love your entire body and soul could conjure up. Your light was hard earned and now with Tom Petty by your side, you won't back down.

 

There once was a tower built and oh how it continues to burn with this great Love. Now you can leave it and rest in the rivers and at the feet of men and women who know how to love you. Inside this spaciousness you realize the Guru was you all along. That fall that you were sure at one point would kill you, was really a rising into a love totally worth burning for.

Wild Wolves Need Love Too

To live in freedom, we need to replace the sense of anything being wrong, with the consciousness that everything is perfect as it is, that everything and every person we ever come across serves its own karmic function in our life. Once we understand that everything has its own valid function in our life, it is very easy to live in harmony with the way things already are. With this experience of the harmony of all things, a profound transformation takes place deep within us. Not only do we discover a space of deep inner peace and equanimity, outer circumstances begin to change according to our predominant inner feeling.”
— D.R. Butler

There is a lot of talk about wildness, freedom, love, empowerment these days. We all have our own experiences and interpretations of it all. That is what makes it so exciting and sometimes challenging. Because we can't follow anyones footsteps. Maybe being wild means you stop a bra for a while, where as on my journey it meant putting one on. There is no formula for being wild but there are teachings that guide us to the wild within that is full of wisdom. Wild is not blind, wild is wise. Wild is not crazy, but wild is willing. 

Bhakti yoga is all about being devoted to Love. Love in its highest form. That One Love. Learning about this type of yoga and it's practices has been one of the only things that has kept my attention and heart. It's taught me what it means to be wild.

We all have our own paths to walk alongside one another even if they look different. I teach about Love in part because it's what I care about and because I need a lot of it. The art of loving and the tradition of bhakti is what my soul resonates with. It helps me not only survive but continue to live a meaningful life.

I follow my heart and then other moments I sit inside deep regret. I have an undeniable hunger to learn from everyone and everything and a compulsion to share it. I also have desires that are unhealthy and I oftentimes want to share everything adn hide at the same time.  have amazing teachers and I learn from my everyday experiences. I no longer am not trying to run and hide from my life and how I am meant to serve. 

Wild isn't just about blindly following your heart (only sometimes). Immersed in wild means caring deeply. It's about integrity and discipline. For some of us wild is about feeling safe. Imagine that! An animal in the wilderness knows it's safe and knows about danger but not fear. 

Wild is about living into what is true for you. It's wild because it is a  going against your conditioning that can at times be hard. Impossible even in some moments. Wild right now for me is paying attention to my finances and learning about how to use the many emotions I have in positive ways. Wild right now looks like patience. It tastes like a tense tight first slowly opening to reach out and listen more. Wild looks like a strong and soft tender heart.

Sometimes it does look like a drive into the woods to act like an animal and scream and beg for forgiveness. I've focused a lot on my inner growth and the teacher within me will guide me in that direction when I need it because hard work does pay off. But no image or person can tell you what is wild. Only your heart knows. What is wild is ultimately free. And each of us is doing our best to live into that. To be free to be happy no matter what. To be rich or be poor, to be sexually exploring or to be celibate. Whatever we want.

Free to me is to be able to feel a connection to Love in any scenario and when all else to be free means to let go of what I think I know.

That wild love is at the center of my life. When I begin to notice other things crawling into that center place, I usually find myself to be suffering. And it hurts. Sure old wounds come up to be felt and moved through at times. But they are held inside that love too. It's never about anyone else, it's about us learning how to deeply care for ourselves inside this beautiful messy wild journey of life and love. 

We don't always have to know where we are going and what we want. Coming back to what we are devoted to again and again will keep us grounded and moving forward, even when it feels like we are sliding back. 

We can only be exactly where we are. The deep, constant letting go brings us back home again and again. Into a place where we can be so present that the tiniest of interactions and mundane life experiences become extraordinary. Because we know how precious it all is. 

Many of us are afraid to follow passion. Passion is big and bold and juicy and exciting. Passion is wild. I'm afraid to follow it at times because I know at some point it's probably going to hurt. I don't know how or why, but anything I have felt something strongly for and with has also caused me pain. Up until now I have lived trying to avoid feeling pain. As if pain is not a part of living. 

Learning to be honest about what's going on inside me, to communicate and to have support in our lives is what makes following passion possible. With honesty and love we can take more risks, be more willing to fuck up and forgive. We can be willing to feel pain and not let it destroy us or even mean something is "wrong."

We see the different wolves and with practice we begin to have the freedom to choose which ones we want to feed. The fears or the love.  I know what my shame tastes like so when it returns I can feel it and remember the severity of following that rabbit hole. I can look down it but maybe not jump all the way in. I can choose to feed love and compassion instead.

I can't be reminded enough that making mistakes, feeling fear or sadness for a moment is part of the journey and is totally ok.  Each time I come back into a place of wisdom within that passion that guided me in the first place I find the power of forgiveness.

Being alone has taught me how sweet the simple things are. I use to hate it and now I really love it. I love having friends everywhere I go in the from of trees, clouds and strangers. 

How much value is inside those connections or inside the hug of a loving friend. The freedom of having the time to reach out to the ones you love and to come and go as you please. To explore the parts of me that are insane without the ripple of karma attached.

The feeling of being seen and validated through friendship, non sexual relations was a big deal for me. I value it so much now. All the moments of silence to hear the lies in my mind and longings in my heart. To be however I need to be without explanation. I am so thankful to be awake to the beauty that is inside being alone. Using the fire inside to stay warm and contributing my light to the fire in different circles I enter in community. 

There are the ways we can only grow and enjoy in companionship and in intimate relation to another I long for too. The obvious juicy, snuggly love and passion of course. The available touch next to you, the validation, the being seen and respected on a soul and human level sexually, romantically and in friendship. The growth that some from challenge in learning about sharing space and keeping the fire going between two people. Living through the ups and downs and long lasting karmas with one another. The experience of ecstatic love when two complete souls come together.  

Whether in relationship or not there is a constant surrender to the unknown. A part of me always longed for relationship to feel some stability, to know something for sure. I've learned from working with many people and myself that is just not totally how it works. If anything when we really care it brings up so much fear and old parts that need love because there is more at stake. Un-attachment can be such a bitch. And really sucking at detaching can teach us that we are never without Grace. 

With all the beauty, tenderness, passion power and sweetness that comes in connecting deeply with others, with Spirit and with ourselves comes a similar level of fears, abandonments and shadows that can only be purified through these relationships. No matter how many shamanic healing sessions or sound baths you do. My teacher used to say it's when the rubber meets the road when we really know. It is the face we make inside the fire that counts, and is where we ultimately grow and heal.

Thank God everyday is a new day again. 

The idea is to develop a relationship with your heart, to unfold inside your unique wildness. It is an important relationship to nurture because at different times, your heart will say different things according to what you need to learn. It might say yes leave a relationship just so you can muster up the courage to have a difficult conversation and then everything changes inside the relationship in a positive way.

We just don't know but when there is a willingness to listen we can can learn trust and commitment. At least that is my wish and deep heart desire. 

So remember what looks wild on your will look different that what wild looks like on me. We all know here it is not about the image or the way something appears on the outside. Thank God. It is inside the heart that we discover our true wealth, knowledge and connection to all that is and all that ever will be. 

Even when were at the bottom we can still go onward and upwards.

Join us on our SuperNatural Retreat in Joshua Tree this November more info here, and if you are in LA I will be leading a 3 month 30 hour immersion to deepen your yoga and discover joy in your spiritual practice called the Power of Love at Yogala Studios. Info for that here. Please reach out with any questions and for support. Sending lots of wild love and compassion from my heart to yours.

Xo

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