The greatest lover of my life did not come in a human form, for we know as sincere yogis that worldly comfort is nice but a total illusion.
As Mirabai shares in one of her poems ... "I have chosen the indestructible for my refuge. Him whom the snake of death will not devour. My Beloved dwells in my heart all day, I have actually seen that abode of joy."
We learn the hardest and the softest lessons in love. Our soul power comes through exploring the darkest crevices and caves of our being, so when they come up run if you'd like or stop and get curious if you can.
You may find as you learn to feel all that lives in your cells a compassion that is indescribable in words. A love that will never leave, even though we may experience it that way. This soul power that emerges in this investigation is the rising of Truth, it is the ending of abuse and hatred even in subtle ways.
On the spiritual path we are told God is within, and this is my experience, yet for many of us that is not ALWAYS the experience. So we pay the money go on retreat, do the training and have an "experience" of what God-dess means in our own flesh and blood. We go through the sleepless nights Mirabai talks about, we laugh with Hafiz and we merge into the ocean of oneness with Kabir. We see lotuses, we have spontaneous orgasms, and enter into the Kingdom (Queendom?) of God.
What a mystery! What an awakening! Thank you for this blessing! For this life that we have in all of it's pain and in all of it's pleasures. Thank you for giving us these Grace filled hearts.
Naturally many of us have some idea about God or Love or about the "feminine". So I wont tell you what it is but will share a story with you about the greatest love affair I ever had that was full of agony and ecstasy, abandonment and held more deeply than ever. If God is all pervasive then there is nowhere She is not and so there really is no getting away from it. What a great mystery (and cosmic joke)!
Many of us will be asked to spiritually abandon all we have known, our families, our ideas of not only God, but of right and wrong! In orderr to mature wmotionally and morally along with soiritually we may be asked to face into some deep regets ans humility. We may be asked to come clean and lose our shame in the middle of the crowd for once and for ALL.
When the pain of not living in alignment makes you sick to your stomach you start to listen and make tiny (or big) shifts as you continue to celebrate the small victories.
I've read how sexual trauma (first hand or passed down) and unprossessed grief can lead to shame that causes an imbalance in how we express ourselves sexually and in some cases addiction. In my work on myself and with others I’ve noticed this uncanny connection between unaddressed sexual abuse and our ability to be truly i timate, vulnerable ans honest. It can create a feeling like we need the feeling of that warm fleshy body against ours or we just may die. And one is often times never enough.
The way we connect when we have yet to explore the shadow of our repressed loss and abuse is through sexual energy. When we get that "feeling" with someone that part of us is affirmed and it needs that to survive. This power can be our shelter, the fire that warms us if we learn to face it and it can become the source of suffering for ourselves and our loved ones when it takes its turns towards betrayals and living inside lies that keep us powerless in some way.
From a psychological and feminine perspective lies make us sick. And the deepest work is usually the darkest. What we teach is often the shadows we've wrestled with and are currently facing within our own lives. In my experience when we generate or come into contact with a lot of spiritual energy— or shakti— there is either a heightened sense of sexuality or we become aware that we are disconnected form our sexuality all together.
This is not the case for all people of course but for some. This is where it can be tricky because co-dependence on that feeling which many women will perceive as love can create a disconnect from our yrue power and presence.
My experience of having energetic awakenings has been primarity focused in the lower chakras and the spiritual heart. I feel I have spent many lifetimes transcending this body in practice and it is my souls path to come back home to it in this one. This has not always been a pleasant experience and in other cases this kind of somatic healing has saved my life.
I've had many sexaul partners, not more than most but more than a few since I first had intercourse at the age of 15. I was always scared and spent many of those experiences leaving my body, never feeling safe enough to really let go into the arms of the lover. For sure over the years I've gone far out and have had some incredible oragasms and connections and "love"-making, but the truth is that I still to this day have not felt safe to truly let go.
I've seen rainbows and I have felt the opportunity to heal the sexual trauma in myself and my partners. I've been triggered into fight or flight, hiding like a wild animal and convinced by partners that I was safe. I feel my heart has always known that it wasn't and that this has been a process of reclaiming my bodies instinct and intuition.
The greatest lover I have ever had did not come in the form of a human (yet). She came to me when I was young and created a feeling of connection and resonance that I was so desperately seeking as I looked through my telescope on the beach in Sandy hook New Jersey with my dad. The sounds of her consistent ebb and flow, pulling under and rising up, crashing and returning calm carried me into the deepest places of joy and sweet hearted vulnerability.
When you sit on a beach alone and you look out and you see that place where it seems like the Earth ends and the sky begins and you can't tell which is which or if you are looking up or down. As you look out you begin to realize you are also looking in.
The greatest lover of my life has held my body as I floated through suicidal thoughts stemming from guilt and blame for not using my voice when I could have. She felt my feet on the hot dirt of her trails as I hiked through her woods stuck inside the confines of my mind. She woke me up with a gust of wind against my cheek, filled my womb with light and I haven't been the same since.
She pulled me to her waters, drew my gaze to her sky and showed me how much we can only hear when we get silent. She reached out to me and mirrored my worth with her celebrations, miracles and relentless growth when I was lost and had no sense of self. She showed me how to be unafraid of my power and most of all how to be loved even in my worst.
Soul power gives way to a new life born out of an even greater love, tends to the gardens of our hearts desires and shows us the answers and insights we hold when we begin once again to listen to the wind. The let the suns rays penetrate our body with it's healing light. When we bathe our naked bodies in moonlight, in Venus and Jupiters gaze.
The greatest lover of my life did not come in a human form, for we know worldly comfort is a nice bonus but on another level a total illusion. She came in the spaces between the thoughts and breaths, she comes in my sovereignty and right relationship to others. She is the witch and the water bearer. She is He and He is She. They are One.
The greatest lover of my life helped me learn that the only warm body I need to be ok is my own. The humility of this, the love I feel because of this is one of the greatest gifts Spirit has given, and to remember her is to remember the Soul Self. Embodying Love for some is a journey of healing the shame that keeps us moving away from what harms and into the arms of the Beloved.
I bow to you and your great capacity to Remember who you are, why you came here and the Love that was given to you the first sip of breath you ever took.
That breath is with you now and will be the boat that carries you to the final moment of release. Into the luminious darkness of the infinite vast Love all the great sages, poets, musicians and saints speak to.
Join me on retreat in Italy this fall! More info on retreats page!