Command over Control
Today I had a session with my teacher David Harshada Wagner. He brought up this missing piece for me about command over control. How we don't have control over anything but we CAN have command in our lives. Up until now, my tendencies lead me to a "fuck it" mentality OR a gripping control that has a similar non effective and usually painful vibration. I could see it in how I was raised. My father appeared free in a certain way, because he did what he wanted and was a really funny guy, but he had no command over his life when it came to happiness or addiction. My mom, doing the best she could given her wacky upbringing, was trying her best to "hold it all together." This resulted in a mostly checked out state of existence. This brought me to my sense of chaos and the unknown, which is really the natural state of the world and everything beautiful, to be one of fear and pain.
NOW I know that there is an order the chaos, but it is not one of control. I know the freedom that comes from a sweet surrender, whether in the safe space of meditation, or in an intense moment of trauma. I have learned how to let go and move into the ecstasy of a moment. And I have felt the Love that is there through it all. BUT what is happening when I am not doing that? I am usually trying to control something in my mind or saying fuck it by not taking action in my life. Again and again, it comes back to that. TAKING ACTION steps toward what it is that I know is going to make me more free, happy and living my purpose fully is the way to rewire these tendencies. Making different choices, asking for help, stepping out of your comfort zone, making an investment in your happiness, are all ways to take command over your life.
There is a clarity that comes when you ask for what you want. When you take the seat of an empowered student that doesn't know everything. When you stop gripping and start consciously make choices. When there is a sense of wonderment and freedom in all of this chaos that life is and brings. In my meditation today there was a voice telling me to "go go go jump quick," as I stood on the edge of a cliff and instead of a fuck it jump with my eyes closed and hands clenched (which I have plenty of experience with), it was a conscious choice to fly. The result? A deep release, feeling of wholeness and an strong energy in me to take action for what I believe in.
I am really interested in how you experience command in your life? Or how you don't? And how you are taking action towards your freedom and purpose. Even if that means action steps towards figuring out what your purpose is.
I have some really powerful resources and ways for you to get the support you may need with any of this, so please don't hesitate to ask. With lots of sweetness and love to you today.