if your yoni had a mouth
This is a story about learning to trust your feelings, intuition and wisdom.
If your yoni could talk, what wisdom would she share with you?
Are you a woman who's been through addiction, unworthiness, shame, sexual trauma, abuse, or disempowerment? Yeah me too! HIGH FIVE. I've learned that taking charge of your healing will lead you to ... self-empowerment, discovering your gifts as a wounded healer, and a life of becoming your amazing authentic self tapped into the delicious, orgasmic, awakened life that you are meant to live.
Many women I meet are in some way cut off from the power of their pelvis. Why you may ask?
1. It's intense and oftentimes requires training to get into. 2. Trauma (first hand or passed down your lineage), shame, blame, and rage which should be voiced and listened to with care if it is coming up- otherwise no need to push it. 3. For some of us it is part of our paths to becoming a liberated, badass women and healers.
So, if your yoni had a mouth, what would she say?
For most of my life my yoni has been screaming .. "hey you pay attention to me!" It was only a few years ago that I realized ... Oh girl she's talking to me! And even more recently feeling into the wisdom she wants to share. At first I was kinda bummed to be honest (I really like doing things with other people), but now I feel deeply honored, humbled and excited by this.
An exploration of sexuality began at a young age for me. There are memories of what is considered sexual deviance in our culture, or any I guess haha. From dry humping my friends as a kid, to getting naughty with two boys at once in middle school. It's something I've always been awake to. Possibly the only thing for a long time that I even cared about. I have no recollection of being sexually abused, but I come from a long line of abuse and taking on other people's shit while giving my power away was something I was trained to do from birth.
I didn't grow up around really any what I would consider now empowered women. I had a sitter who taught me how to paint when I was a kid, and I don't know if she was empowered, but she was the only one who nourished my creative energy so that was something for sure. We would watch Bob Ross and paint trees and happy clouds LOL. The women in my lineage have let men take their power away in many ways and have held massive anger towards them for it. My great grandmother on my dad's side killed her husband, and I've heard awful stories of abuse my grandmother on my mom's side went through. To come into healthy relationships with men for me is no small thing. It feels like a miracle, a gift.
The women that I experienced growing up that seemed to be in their power were the ones I saw in the strip clubs (bourbon street and after dark), that my dad's friend owned. I was blown away by their beauty and that sexual power they held. Women are powerful animals. If you have ever had the good fortune to be with one sexually - you know what I'm talking about. So back to strip club- you know just another Saturday afternoon hanging with my pops before we would go eat some eggplant parm and cokes at Santinos -the local italian restaurant in NJ. Years later this restaurant soon became the place I sat across from my him many dinners while he was high as a kite- unable to sit still, sometimes having to leave. I sat there half baked myself wondering "what's wrong with him?!"
Everything was always a secret my whole life so avoiding was something I became skilled at. This now is why I can be so good at paying attention! I knew on some level he needed help, and I did everything I could. He suffered immensely from drug addiction after my mom finally left him.
In a way I convinced her to, and I think I felt guilty and responsible for his suffering. I would go visit him and cut his hair, try to get him to tell me all the things that were good in his life (already coaching before I even knew how), while his empty apartment and life fell apart. If you've seen an episode of the Sopranos- you have a good idea of what growing up an italian girl in NJ was like for me. No one was awake, and I was confused and humpy as hell.
Fast forward a few years, past his death and my incessant weed smoking to numb out the pain, I found myself at a place called the S Factor in Manhattan. They hold pole dancing classes for women's empowerment. Such beautiful medicine for a lot of women who are really held back in their bodies. And besides yoga it was the first step in relating to my body in a "healthy" way.
If your yoni had a dance what would it look like?
It was the first time consciously relating to my body sexually in a safe environment. I remember how good I felt, and the women I worked with at the time began playfully calling me a sex gremlin because they sensed this part of me that was awakening in a new way. Even though I tried to hide it. It didn't remedy the pain that was soul deep, but it did provide the experience of being in a room of women learning and discovering about their worth and confidence.
It didn't heal my pattern of getting myself into relationships and situations that weren't empowering for me, but it was a start. Exploring our bodies all without mirrors and without men. I remember looking around at one point while "she's my cherry pie, cool drink of water such a sweet surprise..." was blasting and thinking , fuck yeah! The only problem came outside the doors where the mirror and the men returned.
Once I found my way onto a serious spiritual path and began doing deep healing I struggled with many aspects of this sexual desire, this fire in me that was longing for attention. Through the purification process, painful unconscious patterns were uncovered and I saw how much I needed to be seen in this way. How much shame and blame was living in my root, in this core of my being.
I began to feel the suffering and trauma was held in my pelvis and I looked closely at the patterns in my life that seemed to be created from this part of me. No wonder why I hated my yoni. So many sexual experiences I wanted no part of, abortion, disempowerment and fear around not being good enough to love and be loved when it was all I ever wanted (and deserved) deep in my heart. I have always sensed the power in it, but I could not yet see the gift.
A few years ago I was on a meditation retreat with David Wagner at Omega Institute in upstate NY. I was in silence for 5 days. One day as we walked silently through the woods this mantra ... "You are safe. You are beautiful. You are loved." came into me. I took each step and silently kept repeating it as I took in the abundance and pleasure oozing from the leaves on the trees, the breeze carrying us, the other souls on their own journies, the soil beneath my feet. It felt like I was sinking down into the center of the earth with each conscious step I felt.
I began to feel the energy from below my belly button down to my yoni expand and grow. I remember feeling... it's like I'm pregnant with creativity, with Grace. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I knew in that moment, for the first time, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I began to hear my yoni's voice in a way that sounded very different. So sweet, gentle and kind. So free. So powerful and content, and most of all full.
I was full of yoni wisdom. The beauty of my soul was beginning to emerge. I finally felt safe.
Since then it's been a radical journey of empowerment and healing, probably always will be. But now, I know that what I thought was a sex demon in me, is part of my gift. Part of of my true power as a soul embodied as a woman. I became obsessed with women relating in a soul powered way some years back when we began Awakened Feminine for this reason.
Now when my yoni and I talk, sometimes she's still an angry old italian woman ready to murder a man (see this post if you want to hear what she sounds like, you know you do!), sometimes she is still starving for male attention. But now, it's different because I can hold those parts with love, and I can trust myself. I can lye down on the earth and receive her blessings and support. And wait, listen for the wisdom.
I have found in practice that energetically our yonis are very connected to our mouths. Makes sense right? They both open to receive, experience pleasure, and purge, release what needs to go, doesn't serve. It's why talking can be such a powerful tool in our healing. I use this connection a lot in my practice and healing work.
It's a really beautiful way for women to connect to themselves and bring a sense of pleasure into their practice with Spirit. It brings security, playfulness, and creativity to all women, whether they are in a relationship or not.
Your yoni and pelvis have the primal power to connect to God, and to create life! Your life- whatever that looks like. Your passion is right there longing to be honored, wild wisdom unleashed. I honor the ancient wisdom and power that lives inside of your pelvis so much. It's incredibly inspiring and beautiful, wild and infinite.
I'm so thankful to have been so far removed from honoring my feminine energy, for without that perhaps I would have never learned how sacred, how loving and how powerful it truly is.
If your yoni could talk today what would she say? I dare you to ask her. Remember it doesn't have to be positive, allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest and hold space for all of you to be seen, felt and heard. Write it out. And if you feel like you need support- please reach out to a good friend or a professional if things like trauma come up. I am always here, happy to help you discover what your yoni is trying to tell you.
If you are looking for support around empowering and healing yourself through energy and meditation healing I offer awakened feminine spirit sessions that could get you started on your journey of yoni health and love. Email me with questions and insights! If things like addiction, shame and anxiety are up for you join me for a workshop on radical self forgiveness this Saturday 12/12 5pm at Yogala studios. Sign up early here.
*disclaimer* YES I believe all humans have masculine and feminine energy, this is focused on being a woman because that's what I am. And yes I also do yoga and energy healing work with men. but it is not my area of expertise, yet.