the many faces of failure ...
"she can't be chained to a life where nothing's gained, and nothing's lost." the rolling stones
i don't know about you but i can be the best woman to be around as long as i am remembering who i am and where i am headed. up until now, any hint of rejection, failure, hurt or abandon and i can go blind complaining and talking hurtful smack (to myself or others) ripping and tearing everything around to shreds. i've always needed to feel insanely loved and free to be ok and yet placed myself in situations that did not reflect this desire. sound familiar at all?
the thing we often forget to talk about while going along beating our own drums and trying to be good at life, is the messiness and how life is always giving us an opportunity to see it, heal it, clean it up to experience greater love. we ignore and avoid the inevitable failures of being a woman, a man, or a tribe that is on the road to nowhere in particular but keeps going everywhere awesome.
but how do we trust our hearts after they have been broken so many times? after each time we mustered the strength to leap and time and time again, along with the amazing experience of flying, we've fallen. not only fallen but crashed. i can't believe sometimes that my bones are all still intact. how can we honor that whisper that has gotten us into so much trouble? how does one stay wild and free and trust her next step, when so many times, along with the profound liberation, those movements also brought intense pain.
we all have...many faces. and naturally most people (including ourselves) like some of them, more than others. accept and celebrate some wholeheartedly and reject others with all our might. the thing is although some of them reflect our highest truth and love perhaps, they are all a part of the big Love.and the ones that don't are usually the ones that need it most.
can your heart feel the pain and remember the freedom that it is really all about?
almost every day for over a year now, I have woken up in debilitating fear. worries of the future, regrets from the past. oh good lord and the mysterious, insurmountable feelings of failure. it has trapped me many times. i have the tools now to not believe my mind, and connect into what is true. i know that we revisit past hurts because we can heal them with the love we have grown to know. in theory , yes I know all of that. and oftentimes, it works! for the record, all the hard work does pay off.
some mornings i lie still as can be under my soft fuzzy blankets and just pray, squeeze tight and release into the arms of Grace wrapped around me. but there were many nights i fell asleep with a Matt Kahn talk on youtube (he has no idea how many times we've slept together), his reassuring enlightenment illuminating my own heart just enough to feel ok about getting some rest.
lately i wake up and choose to step into my power on purpose. when we can touch our worth even a little bit, and have gotten a lick or a big gulp of our purpose, or even just the burning desire to know it better, we can choose to step into our power on purpose. most of us don't even know what it feels like to be in our power until we decide it's important. and then magically, just like that we begin to feel it. nurture and honor it.
the truth is, i've never safe or loved to just be who i was, or feel what i was feeling. growing up i heard everyone saying they loved me, but I never felt it. who really knew what hearts were for besides breaking in the early 80s anyway? feeling safe and loved early on became the motivation for everything i did.
i never knew what true love was until i went to India some years ago on pilgrimage and began to get a taste for something i would quickly become crazy for. unconditional love.
the thing about unconditional love is that it's always there, right where you are, but seems rare for most of us to always experience ourselves as it. maybe that's why it's so attractive to us. we were taught that not everything, not all parts get to be loved. only the ones that someone else wants to accept.
imagine how wild you could be inside if you felt all parts seen and loved. even the dark little nasty, ones you think are so ugly. and then feel shame about feeling ugly. it all piles up like dirty laundry on the floor. how good does it feel to do your laundry? maybe not at first, you kind of forget during but when it's done WHEW! thank god you decided to do it!
as conscious women, we long to get closer to ourselves, to each other, and to the people that we love. you're not dirty or worng because of the sexual experiences you've been through. you're not bad because there are still parts in your that want to be loved. if you ask me, healing shame is the doorway to fearlessly sharing your awakening heart, living a powerful creative life and sense of purpose in your body, and cultivating the willingness to serve as the phenomenal woman you are on this earth. the truth is, we need you.
i ask women to tell me something about themselves that they love, something they hate or feel ashamed about, or to simply tell me a story about them that I don't know, and as I sit and listen with my heart we begin to move into a new space and time. i love to do this.
we pray, open our voices and bodies together to be closer, to heal and remember the good, the deeper purpose in what we've experienced. what we are going through now connects to something in the past, and one way to keep stepping forward is to revisit scary places in the arms and heart of someone and something who loves you unconditionally. this gives you the courage to remember how far you have come. do this with someone you trust, do this with a tree, and you will see! you can come back again into your place of wisdom and trust.
and so what if i have had a habit of being mean when i got scared. or that i continue to create a life of what seemed to be mistakes and failures. so what if it's all in the name of love an service, learning and all a part of stepping into my power on purpose.
secretly i know that the sweetness of my lips can make up for the mistakes of a million women and so i'll keep on kissing life int he mornings and with every moment, every chance that i get.
sending you all a big smooch and hug!