I don't need a man — I need a mountain
"The best news is, we die into Love." —Mirabai Starr
(abortion trigger warning💞)
I don't need a man, I need a mountain.
In the beginning, the energy of mama Earth upsurged my legs and into my womb and I began to weep like a lost child that had found her mother again. After all we are children of the Earth.
On this past mothers day I was full of loss and grief for all things feminine I've experienced up until now. An uprising old grief for a sister I had betrayed and lost, for all the women and children that have experienced loss, and for the baby I decided not to have 5 years ago.
At the time of my pregnancy I visited her in meditations and her angels. The angels laughed as I cried about not knowing whether to have this baby at such an inconvenient time in my life with a man who didn't really want one. They laughed and I cried. They do that a lot.
A few years later I took a seat in a bright pink goddess temple in India and had an arrow of awakened feminine energy shoot straight through my heart and blown my mind tiny into a million light filled pieces, leaving me extremely tender and full of loves power to heal. I saw a million angels in visions, I felt the energy of Ganesh erupt through my roots chakra and every desire I ever had for a baby or a man got swallowed up by her all consuming liberated love. I was free. (for a minute)
I made a vow to share this Divine Feminine loving compassion with as many people as I could. I became infected with the light of the goddess and my body merged in the brightest ecstatic oneness as I sat on top of this golden mountain. The same light that blinded me, those same angels that visited just a few years before while I was in pain moments after having that peanut sized fetus sucked from my womb.
After I got shot with the arrow of love, I lost my god damn mind. That insanity moved me across the country to a place called Topanga, California. I moved there after one short visit when I felt the shakti in my womb tell me it was were I needed to be and bc it reminded me of rural India, even though I knew no one that lived there.
It was there for 9 months I suffered and let go of every once of belief I had in god, in the goddess, in anyone in my life and in myself. I fell into a deep and dark depression. I felt that insanity and the feelings of wanting to die that had been passed down through generations of addiction and dependence. I had visions of my grandmothers screaming, of being a mountain man in a past life, and of carrying people through the transition from death to the afterlife.
It was there I sang and I danced and swam and connected to not only the feminine flow that was holding me but the power of a mountain, the steadiness of the masculine in me that began to emerge. I would let go so deeply into being held in the ocean in moments it was if I had I died. I would come back into my body terrified of how long I'd been out and if I had drifted all the way out to sea. The cycles of birth, life, death, rebirth is part of what being a yogini is all about. Facing into the terror and the disbeliefs and embracing every ounce of good we can find. Going into the depths and emerging triumphant.
This is the Sheros journey.
As one of my teachers Mirabai Starr says ... it hurts to be present to the observations of the world we live in. More than worrying about other people or our own "bad energy", with each others support we can learn to embrace and hold it all. To remind each other that beauty and power is in our strength, our laughter, and the ways that we care for one another. That when things arise we can reach out for support, and use the journey of healing to keep growing, evolving and knowing our wholeness.
We can be the ones to create change even in the tiniest ways within, that we don't have to live according the way as society tells us. This is how we show up to create change in the ways that are important and unique to us.
No matter what we will all die (luckily into Love) and there is no meme that can help us in those moments, only love and support from warm bodies. The wisdom, the connection to the natural world that is so inherent and ready to hold us in any moment. This is what I am most interested in cultivating in myself and connecting to in others. Rising up in ourselves and together in grief, in rage and in ecstatic, wild love.
We can truly follow our hearts, even thought it's hard sometimes it's also super fun! To live with more consciousness for the Earth and the other, with more kindness, love and gratitude, to come together in prayer, ritual, song and dance. I wouldn't trade once once of pain I've been through for the connection to unconditional love and joy that had come as a result. I try not to live with regret, but if I could go back there are some things I would have done differently for sure.
The reward is living while we're still here and not dying inside some fantasy of the way we thought things should be. And yet this is the journey, right? Again and again we wake up into more Truth. Into listening to ourselves more deeply. Trying to wrap our bodies, hearts and minds around the great beautiful Mystery that is.
I don't need a man like I was raised to believe, but that I want one. To enjoy and share the fullness, the juiciness of life with. To take me into further healing and love that I can only reach in relationship. Enjoying the moments of solitude and the bodies yearning to be touched by another with love after so long of waiting.
After working so hard on not "needing" romantic love, it's nice to take a moment and also acknowledge the deeper need of relating. We all NEED love, that's why we do the things we do. How beautiful is that?!
My body needed to feel what it was like to be sexy on my own. How to masturbate as a grown woman and enjoy my body and heart in solitude. But we all have different and unique journeys. We all have such beautiful unique paths to walk and that is where the medicine we get to share with one another is made.
The Divine Feminine is a part of us all, and is powerfully loving. She is what we know deep down inside. She will help us live more fully if we ask for help and support, guidance along the way. If we become committed and devoted to becoming her, she will pour through our eyes and into the eyes and hearts of everyone we see and feel. She will liberate our bodies from harm and suffering, and she will help us to remember what we forget.
I wonder if we have to know what it feels like to want to die in order to really live. I get so frustrated and sad that to many God is still imagined to be a man. I am grateful to explore more my relationship to the Goddess, to God in all forms in humans and the natural world alike. All are mirrors, every oozing opening of nectar and all the clenches of horror. All One Love.
As conscious beings we open our hearts to the sacred She because it is her who has birthed God, who has birthed us, and it is her womb in which we will return.
Inside steadiness and completely wild my heart is held. I've lost myself, made sacrifices and pray to keep daring to know the greatness that lives within each of our divinely feminine and beautific hearts. I am a mountain man, I am a wild animal and I am a powerful woman.
Join us for a daylong exploration of the Divine Feminine in all beings in the desert Saturday May 20th! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details and to sign up — only two spots left!