feminine freedom friend in god
this is a story about the one that comes in all shapes, colors, sizes, smells and sounds. it's about re-friending god after a vacation on some cruise ship you thought you made it very clear you didn't want to go on, but somehow someone, something... had a different, way better, plan. for your heart and for your life. for your wisdom to be uncovered in a more true and authentic way. for your ability to trust yourself and your life. Easy to see when things are going your way, hard when they're not. Nonetheless true.
this is about finding god in the details of one afternoon. in the falling a parts, in the coming togethers, finding god in how we heal when we're together, or apart, or when chewing your healthy breakfast through tears you don't understand but know are important. in the freedom to trust the wildness and deep unexplainable desires of the heart, in how we pursue our paths and passions, and mostly, as much I personally dislike this fact, in the grays of life and love.
this friend you're out to find, is not someone else's version of God or good for that matter, but the ever evolving, supportive best friend, business partner, lover, mirror and muse your soul, could ever ask for.
theses days, i like to walk and run later in the day, when the sun is still warm but seems to be moving faster than it did the first half. this particular day i invited god to come along, i said "meet me over in the park in an hour, i'll feel better if you get there first, alright?" this way i could follow and just see what happens, I was longing to listen to my body, yearning to show up and feel my energy matched. Who better than God for that?!
we began our walk and an impulse arose. i ran and ran and ran. as fast as i could until i felt the sharp edges of my heart and had to breath so that i could hear my breath. i slowed down, i stopped, i walked and took in as many things as i could possibly see with soft eyes and a fast pumping heart. i felt my heart. i thanked my sweet heart and let it soften into the pangs of the shortness of breath. i felt my breath. i felt how it's always there, and tried to imagine what was behind it. what is your motive anyway breath?!
i came upon an older woman in a pink shirt, with long legs, short grey hair. she looked like she knew something good so i watched her for awhile. every so often i would stop to look at the movement of the trees or into the brush were i heard a snake or a lizard making its way. other times i watched as she would stop and look out to the mountains across the way, wave the air towards her face with just a few quick movements, then continued on her way.
i watched how connected she was to the earth as she swayed and hopped down the hill over the small, broken rocks and dirt. i sent her love. i prayed that i would a long life of good health, helping others. i wondered if she had a husband or a wife… children? we watched some deer together and their big eyes looking into our feminine souls, and soon after we said hello. i got so detracted by everything that was i almost forgot god was with me. i wondered if this woman knew that we had a mutual friend with us on this hike. soon after, i sat down on a bench and watched her disappear around a bend.
her presence was replaced by bluejays, hawks and hummingbirds. i felt the sound of the wind occupying the space in between my ears for the first time all day. so many sounds, so much movement in this one place that doesn't ever move, but was so alive and full of life. this inner voice spoke up sweetly and said ... "they are all different voices and expressions of just one thing."
immediately the thought, Ram came in. in India, sometimes it sounds like everything is saying, pulsating, smelling tasting, banging, releasing the mantra … Ram. and there as god and i sat together on this bench in a state park in California, with the sky and the birds and the earth and the ocean so close you could taste it, was Ram. over there, over here. out there, in here.
in that moment I remembered where i was, and why i was there, why this breath. how much this heart knew.
continuing on the this walk with god we began on the tiny beaten down paths off the main one. those are the ones I try to explore often, see where they go, see how far I can get until the thorns become too large and prickly to move past. the next bench that we ran up on, was tucked inside some trees, covering and supporting. we had a seat and had some conversations with people i don't get to talk to so much anymore. much like a meditation exploration, I began to talk. out loud, practicing saying exactly what I wasted to say, without holding anything back. i've done this a bunch with writing, but out loud, to the safety of this little quiet nook, the beauty of this trees arms, and openness of the sky expanding behind, was a new moment. of freedom to speak what is true, and have it be received so easily by god.
on the walk back... joy, relief, love and sadness all at once arose and released. i looked to the sky for support. i remembered something someone recently shared… "don't confuse how you're doing, with how you're feeling." so i stayed in my core and let everything move, as i asked god to be my friend again. and perhaps it's no bother when I walk away, to god, it fucks me up pretty bad. i started to wonder if it was a game. how close can you get and then live in your life with everything you've experienced, potentially not meaning much more than the meaning we choose to give it. awakening is a funny path to thread with so many twists and gusts of wind and so much happiness and M O M E N T S of ecstatic love, heartbreak, boredom, passion, all along the way.
when i got home, i asked god to do my work with me, because when i'm alone it's harder to believe in my success. i've always wanted someone else's help., or someone else to do it for me, as embarrassing as that is. a partner, a man, a friend. anyone but just me!
Anyone besides trusting that me, with all these funky beliefs and tendencies and deep patterns, could show up and get the job done. especially the good work. who am i to do good, helpful work for others. me?! it still consistently surprises me each time i feel and know i am helping another woman. it is so satisfying to my soul. not just the part of me that wants love. the part of me that wants to live my truth in a way that no one else can. the way that i know god wants me to live.
what i realized was it's hard to believe that i don't need to lean on anyone else to live my dharma fully and fearlessly. because god was there to help me and work with me, work through me. not just when I'm channeling it, but now. right now. for no reason. that relationship that consistently changes and grows but keeps showing up, is the most important one i have. because i forget how blessed my life is sometimes, and that i am in fact a sober, healthy amazing woman. who knew?
without my friend it's hard to remember that i am a mother of the earth and of my own life, both inner and outer. that my heart is always loving no matter what i try to do to stop it sometimes. it's easy for me to feel your strength, and the ocean is teaching me a lot about mine.
i realized why the pictures that we paint, are so oftentimes not the truth of our realities. this is how we cope, this is how we get along in relationship with each other. this is how we create businesses and lives that help other people. i've learned though walking with my friend that we all have someone we can serve, no matter where we are. through this soul work with women, i have learned there are layers and depth to all of our healing, and that at the core, in this feminine soul and spirit, we are all perfect. my teacher over the years relentlessly, god bless his soul, has brought me back to this place inside. for guidance, safety, healing, truth, and love.
there's a new presence in this cooler air, in the sound of these old trees swaying, and it is one of independence, of compassion and connection, and of a deep yearning for intimacy and truth within and with each other. new conversations and smiles. new friends, old friends feeling new, radical aloneness, with god. no matter what, your friend is not afraid, and will continue to guide you towards the truth of your own heart. again and again. in the meantime, we do out best to serve ourselves and the worlds we live in, and stay connected to our truth through all turbulence and triumph.