Sacrifice on a path towards Greatness
On a spiritual path of deep healing and transformation , sometimes you have to let go. Friends, lovers, ideas, desires, jobs, homes. Your whole life can change in an instant. It seems as though when we wake up to a true vision for ourselves and an experience of who and what we really are, there is a necessary letting go that occurs. No matter how hard we resist it (trust me). And each time we do, as hard as it may be sometimes, we become new. We remember the courage and vulnerability in releasing. But as we know this is not always easy or fun. As the magnet of a Zen proverb in my teachers office reads ..."Let Go or Be Dragged."
Any spiritual path takes a ton of vigilance and the courage of a warrior. Courage comes as a result of taking steps and action to live more in alignment with your truth. But letting go can be the trickiest and stickiest part of it all. One of the keys to letting go I have found that brings in an aspect of healing is to come at it from the perspective of sacrifice. Moving away from or releasing something bad for you (or even just good), with the intention of staying open to something even greater.
Two years ago around this time I found out I was pregnant. I had always wanted a baby, since I was a little girl I had dreamed of it. With each boyfriend that came and went it was always "a thing." Up until now, I had this super deep and unhealthy attachment to it. At the time I had just come back from India, and believe I had opened some deep stuff that was perhaps in the way of it ever happening before. I was even kindly advised by both my teacher as well as my dear friend and astrologer not to get pregnant only weeks before I found out I was. There was something so cosmic about it happening in way.
At the time I was in love with the person who I got pregnant with, and it was a difficult situation because neither of us were honestly in a position to consciously choose to bring another life into this world. The first thing someone I deeply trust said to me was.. "remember this isn't as real as anything else. It may feel like it right now, but it's not any more real than anything else in this world." Although at the time it wasn't easy to see through the thick of that veil, I'll never forget the impact of those words. I had an incredible support system around me, ready to help this experience be a part of my path of healing as opposed to an old path of destruction.
Everything in my body wanted to to happen and yet no part of my mind or life was ready. I had always lived in a way where I wanted someone else to make my decisions for me. I don't even know where that came from, but a disempowered state I picked up or was passed down to me. This moment in my life was the first time I had to really wake up and face what it was that I wanted, and how I wanted it. No one else could make this decision for me. I felt stranded in a way that I never had before.
As time went on, I knew in my heart that myself, and the person I was with at the time, were not meant to have that baby. So much was happening … I cried and I prayed and I even experienced so much pleasure being pregnant. Finally I arrived at a point where I knew it was not the time or the situation I wanted to be in when I have a child. I knew I had to make a sacrifice for the life I was meant to live in my heart, as much as it went against everything I ever thought I wanted. I chose to terminate the pregnancy.
The experience of having an abortion, as painful and disgusting as it was, wound up being a pivotal moment of connection and surrender on my path. At that point, I didn't want to bring someone else into this world from a place of unconsciousness. I knew that I wanted to create a life and a relationship where a child would be created from a place of deep love and abundance. As hard as it has been at times to stick to that vision, I know that the purpose of that soul was to wake me up to something higher, something bigger.
In meditation last night I had this insight to just keep going, and to be vigilant on my path towards what is deeply important to me. Our ego doesn't want to be alone. Our ego wants to take whatever it can get and make it good enough. But our souls know our purpose. Our soul never forgets the love and the happiness that we deserve. There is something in you that never wavers away from that. The you that is always rooted in a deep place of trust.
We need courage and vigilance to keep letting go of the parts of ourselves that hang on so tightly but don't serve us or our purpose. When we do the experience of our tender hearts are right there waiting. Sometimes we have to go through fierce Grace, other times it is as sweet as a reminder in mediation or from someone or something whom we have an uncomplicated love with. I see all of our gurus and teachers, everything from the birds to the trees, as a way for us to remember that same part of us that is unconditionally loving and endlessly powerful.
On a path of evolution we are always going up, moving towards something new, striving towards freedom. Away from our conditioning and inherited bs. It is up to us to choose to be tenacious and to step up when we are being asked to. I have seen so many others fearlessly living their truth, and have touched places of strength within that I didn't even know I had as a result of sacrifice. To me, these are some of the most beautifully satisfying things to experience in life.
Let yourself appreciate all that you are and everything you have experienced. It has all brought you to where you are now, and will continue to take you to places you can't even imagine yet.