THANK GOD! I just saw this quote and love it SO much. It reminded me how grateful I am that I sucked at being happy for so long, using my voice, being honest, relationships, trusting anyone or anything, meditating, quitting smoking and drugs, having any self-love or confidence, communicating, being fearless, loving people. SO MANY THINGS TO GET GOOD AT OMG!
I recently had an interaction with some old friends who I had said some unkind things to when I had just gotten sober, and it was time then for our friendship to take a break, or end really. At that time I had to blow it up, in a failed attempt to show my care for them - as well as speak my truth. I was very close with them, like family and so I'm sure you can relate to this. I didn't have any expectation or even strong motive for reaching out to them, I just have been trusting myself when things arise and it kept coming up so I thought I'd give it a go. My teacher Harshada said the only way to know if a piece of fruit is ripe is to give it a bite. Or something along those lines. I was feeling extremely open and innocently didn't realize how intense it would be.
I let them share how much I had hurt them at that time with my words, their annoyance with me preaching love while I had given them what felt like the opposite. I sat and listened with an open present heart, apologized, felt gratitude for the role they had played in my growth, and moved on. It's amazing how we can worry or hold things inside for so long but that our lives are designed to present us with what we need at the exact moments we need and can handle them.
Ram Dass speaks about how he always tells his story because we all have a story. And we all have our own ways in which life is attempting to hold up a mirror, to squeeze the conditioned self out of us, to squeeze us out of grasping and holding, to squeeze out all our beliefs and concepts and self-images. Life truly does give us what we need, and when we hold that awareness and have people around us to help us with that- I believe anything is possible. He goes on to say that if we are willing to look we will see that life is always in the process of waking us up. And how when we resist that it can be a real rough ride- I can definitely relate to that. In this way, he says, life is our greatest ally.
In that particular situation, I saw that although I had been also hurt by them, I had healed a lot of that hurt and anger in my own being through the work I've been doing. THat made it so there wasn't any talking in circles, or me trying to convince them of anything. It saved a lot of energy and time to know that I didn't need anything from them, and that I could still sit there and love. We clean so much inside doing inner yoga work. It's such a blessing and is so empowering to know we don't have to live in states of hurt and resentment and anger. That those things are there, but if we really want to we can learn how to relate to them differently, and use them as a way to get closer to the power of our own Love. Or better yet maybe stay in Love as we are moving through them.
That interaction also reminded me that although i have sucked at showing it at times, I have always cared so much about learning how to love. Since I was a little girl and used to sing songs in front of the video camera about loving myself. I even would play this game where my family made appointments with me for hugs ;).
There have been MANY painful, failed attempts to live my truth and love myself and others with more depth and presence. And I'm willing to make more if it means that I will keep growing and deepening my experience of love in the ways that I have. Being willing to feel the pain and danger of living with less awareness helps me grow so much. I pray to never shy away from that but to navigate it with more softness. I want to be full on with my love regardless of any fear of being wrong or messing up.
Don't stop trying to speak your truth, or find your passion in life, or heal old wounds and trauma to love yourself more, or even to find a way to meditate that actually works (hint it's not about your mind;), or reaching out for support that can help you change your life.
We all have to practice things were not good at to become masters!