Ten Years of Grief + Beauty
This is a love note for anyone who is grieving and still somehow walking and for all the little ones in us that just want to be loved. You are not alone.
Today is my 35th birthday and a New Moon! Wow I feel very grateful to be alive, super tender, open and loved in this moment. I'm realizing lately that being loved and "getting what we want" also brings up fear, pain and grief. I haven't felt much yet that hasn't brought these things up. I'm curious why they feel so unacceptable for most of us to face or see in another? I've found it extremely helpful to continue to learn to be loved, seen and felt my myself and others in all states of being. Especially the shadows. Just like many of you, with my work I radically affirm our shadows and love the shit out of them. I have great friends and teachers in my life who help me do the same. No one ever tells you how helpful it can be to hide under the covers and cry.
No matter what if we're committed to a path we become more us, in every way. I'm interested this year in exploring the uncontrollable YES and how we can use practicing seeing beauty from the souls eye to keep growing, healing and serving with ease, abundance and more love and kindness.
Ten years ago on this day I buried my father, who also happened to be a good friend of mine, Pete in a cemetary in New Jersey. There is a lot I could write about him and his death, how much I loved him and his struggles with addiction. The feeling I'm uncovering today that I want to share is one of recovering from traumatic experiences and discovering who we really are through the process. I'm learning that not every ending in life is that same as that was. For me any bit of letting go can (and has/does) triggers my abandonment. We are asked to face death all the time if we're awake. It's intense but there are also many versions of it that not all the same, and so much beauty and depth gained.
As I take a deeper breath into my heart I feel a little tight knot next to a world of what could be a whole planet devoted to unconditional love and kindness. I don't quite understand how I came to feel so much after so many years of being numb. Maybe it was all those trips to India, maybe spending time with the grandfather of grief and love Ram Dass. In truth it doesn't matter but what does is that I can feel the way the birds are singing outside my window deep in my body and soul. I know that beauty is something so deeply innate in all of us. I know beauty is our birthright.
I've heard that peacocks eat thorns and the iridescent colors of her feather are born from such a meal. As much as I resist them, I know that the thorns we swallow in life make us brighter, clearer and more beautiful form the inside out. After all we're here to transform the darkness into the light. As Ram Dass says... "we are all just walking each other home."
When I listen to a room full of people singing together I know I am home. When I sit in silence focusing on the Love inside and following her guidance no matter how hard or impossible it may seem, I feel that we are truly Divine beings made of many things but at the core we are light. And some mornings I become filled from bones to skin with a grief so heavy the only thing to do is hide under the covers and cry.
Most people don't mention this as a very effective method of processing human emotions, but in case you we're wondering, it is. I would suggest doing it on the phone with a good friend or a healer simply because it is always good for that part of us to know that we are not alone. But wanting to hide inside hard emotions is the most natural and beautiful thing in the world if you ask me.
After all beauty is our birthright.
To accept oneself, or our challenges in life isn't done in one swoop and we're done. It is a daily chore, like brushing our teeth with a little more softness, kindness. Confidence is a deep wisdom that comes from hating everything we are, where we've come from. It comes from being angry at others who have said things and done things that hurt us.
Acceptance comes from feeling the pain of our mistakes and still living. Letting go of resentments isn't something I learned in school growing up, but all these years of writing and burning, releasing myself from judgement again and again proves to be a life of the body and spirit.
Over the years of my studies, some of which are based in tantric traditions, I have had very unique experiences when it comes to my body. I have felt grief pain so deep that made me scream bloody murder in the shower and I have felt my whole body light up in expansive soul empowered bodygasms that woke me up to the ecstasy of all things in existence.
After all , beauty is our birthright.
Deep disconnect with intention can lead to greater and more authentic connection. I have felt my heart touched by the presence of another's so deeply I cannot deny love is real for too long anymore. I believe this became available to me because of the deep feelings of unloved and disconnections that I have sat inside and in moments revisit.
I had an orgasm the other day in my solar plexus for the first time. There used to be a tightness in my belly, in my solar plexus. Over the years of drawing my power back from external situations and recognizing the big sun that lives here, she began to soften in me. And a few days ago, we had a celebration.
After all, beauty is our birthright.
I didn't exactly understand beauty growing up in New Jersey. I wore colored contacts and tried to alter my appearance is any way I could. Not to say this is wrong or bad. In my experience I saw women in strip clubs and knew they were beautiful, but was confused how to find my own when I had been taught to see it in others. An in maybe not the highest vibe places on top of that.
After all, beauty is our birthright.
When I see an elder woman, a grandmother I get so filled with excitement and curiosity. I am immediately drawn to get close to her wisdom and her courage and I just want to shout ... "Holy shit!!! How did you do it?! How did you make it? HOW did you stay here that long?! Please tell me everything you've seen and learned." Through my inner journey exploration, I have been trained to see the wisdom inside our bodies before I see what is happening on the skin.
After all beauty is our birthright!
The rivers keep flowing, the moon pulls us and the oceans and the birds try to catch our attention with their really loud songs we still seem to miss. The sun never ceases to shop sharing her light and the mountains and trees stand tall as we crumble, stumble and fall. We have so much to learn from her, our great mother and from the ways she lives in our own hearts and bodies.
She has taught me that my power is soft, that my wild feminine nature is a force that can create and uplift and inspire. That can feel the darkness and be willing to surrender. That I am just a girl that wants to be loved when it comes down to it. That my power is freedom and creativity. That our power is beauty.
After all, beauty is our birthright.
Join me this Saturday in Uncovering the Voice Within Workshop at Maha Rose in Brookyln and Sunday in New Jersey at Powerflow Yoga. Kirtan in LA May 5th at Yogala Studios and May 13th at Roam. Let's do this life/love thang! <3