Trust Your Wild
" A lot of times if you find yourself in struggle with trust, the thing to examine is your own marble jar. How you treat yourself. Because we can't ask people to give to us something that we do not believe we are worth of receiving." - Bene Brown
Dear "crazy" woman,
Maybe you're not crazy! Maybe you just need love. Maybe you need someone to hold you tight. Perhaps, you are healing something massive that will take you to the next beautiful phase of your awakening life.
Over the past year I've felt some awful things I didn't want to towards people I loved (including myself), and didn't understand why I felt them. So much shame and blame, towards myself for feeling them in the first place. We blame ourselves or we blame the other, but in either case the hurt is then on us.
We know that telling ourselves positive things and invoking higher vibration feelings and states is the road towards a fulfilling life of service and passion, right?! Look a this image I posted probably over a year ago... like yeah why don't ya?! Just be cool man, be positive! Not that I disagree with this message at all, but now I have a much better understanding of the "why not".
Why don't we all just make beautiful stories a reality?! (I actually believe we are).. But what about when we forget that we can? What's WRONG WITH US??!??!?! AHHHHHH.
After doing a couple of sessions today I realized, hey guess what?! We're human! And we just want love and safety. We want it rightfully from those around us, and we don't get it sometimes perhaps for the sake of our own evolution and liberation. To build our trust within. But our reaction to that is often one of rage and abandon, with ourselves and others.
Those old stories, thoughts and feelings that emerge from our unconscious are there for sometimes very ancient, often great reasons. Wiring from the womb, and beyond! Pushing those old stories and feelings away often leads to major self blame, shame and more suffering, deeper mistrust within and without. Confronting them, getting support, healing, brings us back into a place of not only a deeper trust but a more expansive receptivity and reality.
So how do we release these "shadowy" thoughts and feelings that hold us back in a way that is high vibe and transformational? I have tried many things, and it's good to always check in with what you're doing to see if it's actually helping you. What helps me, and what I offer other women is to have a space to be heard, related to and held in a vibration of love as you move through them.
Love don't care that your crazy. Love don't care that you feel the collective rage of all women inside! Living with an awakened feminine heart can be intense. Other times it's the softest, sweetest, intimate love you could have never imagined possible. The path of the female mystic is one of learning to trust our wild.
Part of this trust is to learn about, explore, and evolve out of negative states. But not to ignore them or pretend they don't exist when they do. Not to pull them out, but to learn to be there for yourself when they are asking for some attention. It's important in difficult moments to not fear that you are creating something bad for yourself or the world.
Your love will win every time. It just will. God loves you and will take care of you even through you're shitty thoughts and hard emotions. Your life will still unfold beautifully as you face your challenges and grow from them. Giving our power over to these manifestation ideas can sometimes be a road to even more blame and shame, and is only effective when we are in the place to be creating from our highest wisdom.
When we are not in that place, we are learning deeper ways of connecting to that core wisdom and wild heart truth. Layers- like an onion right? Sometimes lots of tears... super tasty when cooked.
It's helpful to give voice to all parts of yourself so you are free to see and honor them and then create more choices when it comes to where we are living from. These new ways we have all been coming into, are new! The old ones are, old and have been around longer perhaps. Feeling abandoned and misunderstood?! fuck! We all know how bad that sucks.
Most of us naturally want to discover and connect to the parts that are in alignment with what our hearts desires and truths, and feel confident about sharing those parts (thats a whole other story). One way is to look at the other parts of ourselves with love that keep our highest and authentic selves in the closet, so to speak.
I wrote a story about the raging, mean, nasty old Italian woman in me the other night when I couldn't sleep and it felt amazing to let her out in a healthy way. Went something like ...
I let it flow and flow and purged feelings of hate and this tormented tired old italian woman emerged and erupted like a volcano. the kind of woman that would kill a man with her bare hands. I yelled out the window once, pretending i was in a city in Italy, got back into bed and screamed into my slobbery, wet tear stained pillow, and just fucking cried my heart out. her voice sounded something like this.
"why have you cried so much this year- more than ever before? nothing even happened, what's wrong with you? You've experienced more pleasure and found a seed of ecstasy in your heart and this is how you act? this is how you repay me for loving you? you don't love me, you can't love anyone. you're so ungrateful, unwilling to love."
Nice right?! Who the heck is that?! HAHA. I'm laughing now but as you can tell (and I spared you the super gnarly stuff) shit's crazy. It's incredible how effective it can be to give yourself permission to feeling or thinking a certain way that you don't like- disempowered, sad, stupid, guilty, unloving, mean. How quickly it can all dissolve into you being your true vibrant, creative healthy self. Especially if you have already done quite a bit of "life's work" already. Which I know you have.
You've already found so much beautiful light. Trust that it will emerge even brighter as you heal deeper stuff, scary stuff. If you feel you've already been there done that, you probably have. But who you are right now in this moment hasn't been there for you through it the same way yet. So here we are.
One of my intentions with my life and my work is to live and teach women how to mother themselves. How to connect to their inner-healers, elders, children. Big dreams take time, and a lot of self-care. No matter what anyone says or what your life has been like, if you alive and a human, you've been through a lot. You deserve a HUG and some self-love. All parts of you, not just the "good" ones.
We are doing this work for each other. We go to God and those who can support us so we can learn to feel safe within our own hearts, to trust and follow our unique wild and to serve the world with more love and compassion. Who cares if you don't feel like doing the work sometimes, me neither.
You're a beautiful, powerful warrior, especially when you don't feel like one.
Do what you can and need to to make some space for all the parts of you. Lately, I've been dancing before I meditate and chant and it's been great medicine! Physically shaking things up and moving that fire around inside will keep you warm and build a connection and trust within your own body. Check out below how cool Jimi looks being intense ...
Sending you all big love today!